I love to write about travel, experiences, insights of building a business, being a writer, existentialism and more philosophies. But recently I have made a point to share the rawest vulnerable sides of being all of it. The emotional journey covered in my writing came as a surprise to many. I wasn’t very comfortable either at first. It didn’t match up with my ever-so wide smile and comforting spirit. It was a sudden decision of not thinking much and just doing it. Allowing people to see more shades of me. I’ve often received messages from people of how they felt inspired, happy, respect and all those beautiful words they could find, after knowing or meeting me or just following my work. I have always been much more grateful to those than I have ever expressed.
Between all of these overwhelming messages, there were these few close ones who constantly looked for more. To be more proud, inspired, to feel more hopeful or things I will not be able to comprehend. They unknowingly made me the projections of their wants or maybe, I allowed them to make me. Either way, I have been on a spot or on a certain pedestal to be judged on. “She’s going to do something really big someday,” fortunately or unfortunately I have heard this ever since I was three or four. See, don’t take me wrong, I am not sitting here questioning my privilege that people loved, appreciated and cheered me and my work. I know some don’t get that. But “too much” of anything is a complex position to be in. Good or Bad.
When two people tell you, you’re going to do something great, you hold that on as hope for when days get rough. When too many people tell you the same, it starts becoming a noise. Every single thing you do, you will think thrice and contemplate much more times. When these things become normal for you, the liberty of just being is lost. Just being a kid, just being a teen, just being a human. I lost track when these words of people changed from being my driving force to a weight that I cannot take off my shoulders. Till the point there is a driving force, you find opportunities. When it gets overboard, every loss seems like unspoken accountability.
Here’s a thing, when I observed more I learnt, you don’t have to be told ten thousand times that you’re meant to be something, to feel this weight. Most of us carry it, in different forms. Some under-appreciated, unrecognised, over idolised, forced to ace or even challenged too much, by people, society or maybe just themselves. Regardless of which and how, we all have this bag of something that we carry, that keeps us from just being. These are all forms of expectations coming, loathing, brewing or pushed on. Expectations in moderation is a good high, they take us to places where we wouldn’t have tried before. If this high grows and attaches itself too much to expectations they become high expectations. And that, folks, is where the badge of honour becomes weight on our shoulders.
So, what I learnt is balance is everything. This balance won’t come from outside, it has to be developed like a filter. Adapting this filter before the vessel of comprehension is overfilled with expectations or broken with lack of it; is outright a challenge. For examples, the words that were the driving force for me has become a part of dark humour for me now. To revive that and understanding how to just be, regardless of all of it, is something I am working on. The balance of this high is achieved by constant practice of perception towards it. And like I said it will never come from outside. If something is affecting the inside, it often can be fixed from the inside. As for the outside, it’s just noise, it will either start being a dark comedy or maybe content for something you blabber on the internet. The point is, I have chosen to enjoy this process too, it just makes it easier when you choose how to.